Thursday, July 8, 2010
The Great NON-Deodorant Test (AKA: My wife thinks I'm crazy) Day 1
Little did young Morgan know that three years prior to his belly-busting, sugar overloaded plight to fame, author Chuck Klosterman had spent an entire week eating nothing but McDonald's chicken nuggets. Not only did he survive the ordeal, but his blood pressure actually WENT DOWN!*
Me? Well, I'm no renegade. I'm not in it for the money or the fame or the ladies or the cholesterol. My only motive is to take down the deodorant companies and watch them burn and smolder while the rubble pile emits a cool, sporty, powder-fresh scent.**
I have a good feeling about this, folks. A really... good... feeling.
Here's the deal: for the next seven days*** I will be NOT USING DEODORANT OF ANY KIND! That's right, not a speck of that vomit-inducing, yellow-staining, crystallizing, fraudulent-stank GOOP will be placed on, near or around my armpits or the hair that is coming out of them.
You're welcome, America.
Now get on over here, I want to give you all a big, sweaty hug.
My theory is that deodorant is something concocted by marketing geniuses and slimy fragrance peddlers in order to make a quick buck. Further, deodorant is not something that is needed, just an expensive luxury that makes us feel like we smell like movie stars and extravagant celebrities. (Except, apparently, Brad Pitt.)
I know what many of you are thinking: Now Abe, have you VISITED the 6th graders at your school in the SPRING TIME?!
Why yes, yes I have; but I contend that that ripe, juicy 6th grade springtime stench does not stem from the lack of deodorant, rather, their absolute refusal to bathe on a regular basis.****
I'd also like to make this point: I wore deodorant last Sunday and when I came home from church, my shirt had been completely soaked through with sweat. I then wondered what the point of actually wearing the deodorant was. Further, I don't even wear deodorant on my butt and I sweat twice as much there as I do my armpits. I know that is really gross, but I feel like it is the type of information people should know.
Thus, my gauntlet has just been thrown (or more appropriately tossed underhanded as my tennis elbow has been acting up lately) at Gillette, Old Spice, Dove, Secret and the like.
In the immortal words of Torrance Shipman on "Bring It On", I'd like to say to the deodorant companies: "Oh, I'll bring it. Don't worry!"*****
The good news for you all - my faithful readers - is that I will be giving you a day by day update of this little project. Here is the first one:
Day 1: I decided that today would be the first day since I was 12 that I would purposefully NOT put on deodorant. It is the evening now and my wife has not noticed. In fact, I just told her of my little project and she said, "Oh please don't." And, "Why would you do that?"
I can feel the love and support just radiating from her being.
I gave her all the reasons why I want to bring down the deodorant companies and she was not convinced. I then retorted, "Well, all that AND I was really desperate for something to blog about."
I think she knew, she just wanted me to admit it.
*Chuck Klosterman is a favorite author of mine and despite his sometimes sardonic tendencies, I find him to be downright witty. The fact that he ate nothing but chicken nuggets for an entire week underscores this very fact. Also, if you read his books, and I recommend "IV", be aware that a curse word or two might jump out and punch you in the face and then return to it's rightful place on the page.
**However, if I do somehow obtain fame, fortune or an increase in my cholesterol level by this pathetic stunt, so be it.
*** For my Australian readers, a week is equal to 7 days when you do not use the metric system.
**** By "regular", I mean at least every other day. Preferably, EVERY day, but I would settle for every other.
***** I have never actually seen this movie. I only know this quote because I knew that if I googled "Bring It On Quotes", something fitting would pop up, and it did.